Alright, here it is - the secret to my power. (You didn't think I came up with this stuff on my own, did you?)

Upstart Associates' Random Abuse Generator
Inter-Links' Shakespearian Insult Server
Lynn Bry's Surrealist Compliment Generator ('Melvin did this, but he's not here right now.')
Scott Pakin's automatic complaint-letter generator

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If you know of any appropriate sites you would like to see here, e-mail me and let me know.